In the Burts office, just next to the kettle, our office calendar has pride of place on the wall. And it’s a cracker – think Burts, think nudity and think balloon dance although the inflatables are replaced with plump crisp packets. Anyway, circled with thick, bright red marker pen so nobody can miss it, is the date, the 17th of July! Why, you might ask? Are we launching a new product? Hell no. Something way more important than that…
Game of Thrones is back. Series Seven. And we can’t wait. When the minute hand, striketh the hour, we’ll be there with Burts snacks in hand, eyes boggling at the latest blood-gurgling action from Westeros. But what’s going to happen? Will Daenerys’ dragons accidentally burn down her fleet and drown her chances? Will Tyrion ever say no to the demon drink? And most importantly of all, will the Dornish ever be anything more than a dull side-track from the main action?
That’s right, it’s time to make some wild predictions for the series ahead. It’s a mug’s game, right? You can only lose on this one. Still, fuelled up on our intense new Burts Smoked Crispy Bacon flavour crisps we’re definitely stoked for the challenge.
Here then are Burts’ predictions for how the G.O.T. story will unfold…
I don’t know, you make one lousy mistake and boy, do you pay the price. Poor old Theon has suffered like no other. After a promising start, he’s lost his friends, his claims, his dignity and his (ahem) manhood. Give the man a break, please! Nope. Theon, will be given one final, brief shot at redemption to reveal the man he could have been. Then he’ll die horribly. ‘Tiss certain. Betrayal against the Starks cannot stand.
In the latest series trailer, Sansa says “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives”. After all, there’s no ‘I’ in team and selfishness is not going to stop that army of Whitewalkers in their tracks. So new alliances will need to be forged. But this is Westeros we are talking about. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. There’ll be plenty who are happy to see their opponents wiped out before picking up the sword themselves. Cynicism has not had its day.
In GOT, the dragons are essentially God, laying waste to everything and everyone. Which means the cards are stacked massively in Daenerys’ favour. But weapons of infinite power are undramatic – the results too predictable. Besides, the Targaryen Queen’s needs taking down a peg or two. One dragon will perish in the attack on Kings Landing, it’s head chopped off by the zombified-Mountain, Sir Gregor Clegane. Another one may go rogue. Drogon will stick around to do some damage to the Whitewalkers, but by the end – all the dragons will be gone – once thought extinct, they will be again.
This one most probably won’t happen yet, but Brienne is going to kill Jaimie. You see Jaime Lannister, is doomed to fulfil the witch’s prophecy by murdering his twin sister, Queen Cersei. and then he’ll be proper ruined. A right emotional wreck. Forever the Kingslayer – misunderstood and despised, now a Queenslayer too. He won’t want to live after that and he’ll call on Brienne to do her duty. There won’t be a dry eye in the house.
Right now, Jon Snow is too damn nice to be King. Westeros is a ruthless place and while he’s handy with a sword, a crown will not rest easy on his head. Besides, according to the R+L=J theory, he’s half Targaryen, which will not sit well with the northern lords or Sansa, who will see herself as the rightful ruler of Winterfell. Sansa, with Littlefinger whispering in her ear will make a move to destroy Stark unity (at a really bad time) and when she does, boy is she going to face the wrath of a certain faceless sibling, newly returned from the East. But not merely so much as Littlefinger. Expect him to be impaled on Ayra’s sword ‘Needle’.
We all know the Whitewalkers are coming, along with that nasty winter. It’s just a question of when and how. Well, they are going to keep us waiting till most probably the penultimate episode of the series. But when it happens, it’ll be Bran’s fault. Our psychic youngster will want to travel south to reveal the truth of Jon’s heritage and most probably to try and save his life and when he does, Bran’s going to make a pretty big mistake and that enchantment holding back the zombie hordes will be extinguished. Oh dear. Now if only we had some dragons.
OK, this is a long shot. We’ve been obsessing over who controls the Iron Throne for so long and we’re approaching crunch time. But with Whitewalkers on the loose it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Who cares which noble gets to put on the ermine? Can anyone place their hand on their heart and honestly say Westeros is a better place for all its lords and ladies? Maybe it’s time for a worker’s revolution? Oh mind you, scratch that – the rise of the people didn’t work out too well for the Grand Sparrow and the Faith Militant. I’m guessing, when the blood-letting is done, it’s going to take a new kind of person to rule the kingdom. One with his ear to the streets, no royal blood and no progeny to worry about. Arise King Varys, ruler of the fairly battered kingdom of Westeros.
Now what do you think is going to happen? Let us know …
P.S. By the way, on a quiet Friday we tried to figure which of our Burts flavours reminded us most of Game of Thrones’ iconic characters. Have we nailed it? Can you do better?
Tyrion Lannister – Hobgoblin Gold Hamageddon
Davos Seaworth – Sea Salt
Shae – Spicy Chorizo
Sandor Clegane – Sour Cream and Chives Lentil Waves
Shireen Baratheon – Guinness Toasted Cheddar
Ygritte – Firecracker Lobster
Khal Drogo – Devon Roast Beef
Samwell Tarly – Smoked Crispy Bacon
Yara Greyjoy – Fish ‘n’ Chips